One-Sided Love

Love... what is the true meaning of it? You can ask multiple people, and the answer will be different for each one.

Some believe love is the feeling you get when you can't be away from the person, other believe love is the butterflies in the stomach that doesn't ever cease to exist. There is no right or wrong answer... love is what each person makes of it. But.. why does love have to be so confusing? Or.. is that just a sign that it isn't really love at all??

All my friends know me to be the one who is the most romantic,...the most affectionate.... the most optimistic...but sometimes that doesn't rule in my favor. I sometimes believe in love so much that often I ignore the signs, and simply "follow my heart". Hence the abusive relationship, and then divorce... but maybe, just maybe, I wasn't wrong in believing in the magic of love.

Love to me is simple... it's knowing that the other person's happiness is more important than your own, it's doing everything in your power to ensure that the other person is smiling and happy... it's that amazing feeling knowing that no matter what happens throughout your day, you have that one person who will always put that smile on your face. Once a love like this is found,... it is the most amazing feeling in the world. On the other hand,... this kind of love will never feel great if it's only one sided.

The worst kind of love to me is the kind that you only give, and never receive. I'm sure everyone's felt this before... and it gets to the point where the frustration is so strong that we just want to give up on love altogether. Matters of the heart confuse me, and although I know I should resist... I just can't. I allow myself to fall, to put this person first, to make sure this person is happy and smiling always... but what about me?

I just want to be able to feel like I am someones priority... I want to feel like my happiness matters to the person that matters the most to me. I honestly am probably the easiest girl to please... I love the little things, and it takes very little to make me smile. I'd be happy with a simple text message letting me know you're thinking of me, or a random phone call just to know that you want to hear my voice. Is that too much to ask?

Although these men might be harder to find, I truly believe they exist. And ladies, when you find him, don't be afraid to express your feelings. The one thing I can honestly say I have learned throughout my relationships is that you should never be afraid to express your feelings. You never know when the last time you see someone will be, so if you love them... say so, and say it proudly.

No matter what, I know that I'll always have my princess. My babygirl that I love with all my heart, and that right now is my fairytale ending!

How It All Came Together...

I had a boyfriend throughout high school, something that was a huge No-No with my family. I was young, but I truly believe I was in love. He was my first everything, and will always hold a special place in my heart. We had our ups, and definitely had our downs, however we made it through those times and held on strong. He was my high school sweetheart, and I would always dream of our future. It was my second semester, freshman year in college, when I began to feel like we were drifting apart. I sensed that he was being distant with me, and I felt like I wasn't first in his eyes anymore and it tore up my heart. I decided to end things, because honestly, I thought that if I didn't do it first, then he would. We remained friends for the longest time afterwards, but, it is true... if two lovers can remain friends, then they were either never in love, or still love each other. We still did... so the best thing to do was to just not speak at all.

It was after this that I met a man, who later became the father of my child. He was the type of man that every girl fell for... the man that knew exactly what to say to make a female smile and feel giddy, and I fell right into the trap. I believed him when he told me he loved me, and that all his female friends were really, "just friends". I fought for him, and in the end, I won... or so I thought. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world, saying "I do" to someone who promised me the world, and I believed him. That was always my problem... believing in others and not listening to myself. Afterwards, I found myself pregnant, and at a time when husband and wife should be celebrating bringing a child into the world, I was miserable. The verbal abuse had started, and I felt like I could change him... I can fix the way he speaks to me. It worked...for awhile.

October 22, 2008... the best day of my life. I welcomed my beautiful baby girl into the world, and I felt my life was complete. The verbal abuse had stopped, and we were both there holding our princess in our arms, promising her a loving future with Mommy and Daddy. It was later in the hospital that I had a glimpse of fear...that was the first promise I couldn't keep for my daughter. It was on November 6, 2008, two weeks after my princess was born, and my 20th birthday that the first strike happened. We were at a small gathering for my birthday, with a group of his friends. My princess was sleeping in one of the bedrooms, and I was enjoying my time with the wives. I noticed that I hadn't seen my husband, and made my way outside to look for him. He was nowhere in sight... I asked one of the wives if she knew where the boys were, and she simply stated, "They're here somewhere." That was my first clue... the last place I hadn't checked was the inside master bedroom. While making my way down the hall, I could feel my heart pumping through my chest. My palms were sweaty, and I was stumbling on the hall carpet. I opened the master bedroom door, and there they were. One man sitting on the floor, with a magazine in his lap, sorting through a bag of marijuana. The other man, lining up another line of cocaine on the counter... and there was my man, sitting through it all with a beer in his hand. He saw me, and told me, "Close the door, I'll be right out." I definitely closed the door, then ran into the next room, grabbed my daughter, and rushed for my car. As I was buckling my daughter into her car seat, a hand roughly grabbed my shoulder, and I turned around to find my daughters father in front of me, eyes wide open, asking me what the hell I was doing. "Keeping my daughter safe, get the hell off of me, and move out of my way" I replied, while shrugging his hands off of me, and closing the door.

I didn't think it would hurt as much as it did, but my face was stinging in so many ways. I remember hearing his voice, taunting me, telling me that I couldn't do anything for my daughter without him. I was useless, I needed him,... his intentions were to break me down, degrade me as a woman, and as a mother... but it didn't work. Tears were streaming down my face, and I felt another kick to my abdomen. I screamed for him to stop, and he did... as he walked away, I made my way up the car door, got in the car, and immediately locked the doors. He came back, but it was too late. I sped out the driveway, and headed home to our little two bedroom apartment. That had to be the worst night of my life.

Needless to say... that night showed me that love isn't something that should hurt. Love is an amazing feeling that should take your breath away in a good way... not by feeling a mans foot in your stomach. The abuse didn't stop there, but that was the last time that I had put myself in that predicament. My daughter and I moved into our own place, and we started our life together. Her father was never part of her life, and even though he put me through hell, I still would pray that he would come around and be a father to the beautiful little girl that we created. That never happened. To this day, he doesn't know what she looks like anymore, doesn't know that she loves rice, and loves vegetables. He doesn't know that her favorite cartoon is Dora the Explorer, or that she is the smartest two year old I've ever seen, and the sweetest and most loving little girl I've ever met... He taught me how to recognize how a woman should be treated, and because of him, my daughter will know as well. So, for that, I thank you. If you gave us nothing else, you helped show me that a woman should never take abuse from anyone, and that I was, that I AM, strong enough to overcome. God willing, I will continue to provide for my amazing princess, and will give her the love of both a mother and a father.

In the end... I have my princess. And we both couldn't be happier.... and so, here's to our fairy tale ending!